Misplaced intentions

I went to my local GP surgery today for blood tests. I have always been squeamish with needles and still fear them despite going through labour. As a distraction technique, the nurse asked me questions whilst I turned away. She went through the generic list of questions: plans for the weekend, questions about what I did for a living etc..etc.. and I just knew she was going to ask me the question I feared the most. The ‘do you have any children’ question?

It’s an innocent question. How was she to know? I won’t blame her for asking but what I will blame her for is her utter insensitivity when I tried to explain, with tears rolling down my face, that yes, I did have a baby but he wasn’t here anymore. Her response? She apologised but told me not to worry.  Apparently I’m still young enough to have more children. And next time I’m upset, I should think of the children who are 5 years, 10 years or 18 years old who die in wars and how lucky I am.

How lucky I am?! Thank you for comparing the incomparable loss of my baby to a war. Yes, I’ll remember how lucky I am that my baby was only 3 months old when he died. How lucky I am to be a bereaved mother. How lucky I am that I will never see my baby again.

Thank you for your ill-thought, misplaced good intentions. Thank you for making me feel a million times worse.




2 responses to “Misplaced intentions

  • Angela Riggs

    It’s always upsetting when people talk about our little angels like they’re goldfish that we can run to the pet shop to replace. I want to ask people sometimes, “tell me, which of your
    Children would you be willing to live without?” Because, isn’t what they’re telling us? That we are lucky our children passed away before we were “too attached” or before “they developed personalities”. I recently had a nurse tell me, “I bet you’ll be way more careful this time.” What?!?!! SIDS is so misunderstood. But one thing that I hold close and repeat to myself and others all the time is that it is NOT our fault. We couldn’t have loved our babies more, we couldn’t have been more careful, we couldn’t possibly miss them any more than we do each day.

    Blessings to your family. I’m sure your boy is up in heaven with my son Leo.


    • Jen Reid (Jen Spencer)

      Thank you Angela, your words are much appreciated. You’re so right, SIDS is so misunderstood and I hope one day we can find a reason why our babies were taken from us so no other parent has to go through the same loss we have. I hope Leo and Eddie are playing together in heaven x


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