We are in Cornwall for a long weekend, staying at a beautiful guest house overlooking the sea in a town called Mevagissey. Phrases we used when going away do not translate or have the same meaning anymore, e.g. we are going away for a break from work, we need a break from it all or we need a holiday. Grief does not temporarily pause when you go away. Wherever we are, wherever we go, Eddie is always with us. Here in thought and in our hearts.
We have explored the coastal shores and discovered quaint towns and harbours. The weather has been kind, despite our track record of bringing the rain with us. But every time we stop on a walk to soak in the fresh sea air, our heavy hearts pine for our baby boy. All of our discoveries and enjoyments feel incomplete. The scenery is breathtaking but I am yet to find peace in my soul searching.
However, it has been important to spend time with Chris. Just the 2 of us. But I can’t help but think we should be 3. Not 2.
Since returning from Amsterdam, I have been on an almighty low. The conference allowed us to focus solely on Eddie and on our grief. We were immersed in 4 days worth of conversations dedicated to research and supporting bereaved parents.
As ridiculous as this may sound, a part of me felt that the conference would help me search for answers and bring back Eddie. As if we could get Eddie back in return for attending. Yet here we are, back at home. And despite encouraging advances in medical research, we have still lost our baby boy. Our lives are still broken.
But since returning home, I have found some comfort in being outdoors. Without sounding like a tree hugging hippie, I have found it therapeutic to be outdoors, to take deep breaths and inhale the fresh air. On Monday, a friend of mine took me to a ‘pick your own farm’ in Surrey. It was rewarding to focus on the task in hand, to mindfully pick the apples from the tree and the potatoes from the ground. I also felt a little bit self-righteous that evening when cooking for my sister and brother-in-law.
In search of more country air, I drove to Marlow today to visit an old friend. I have written about connecting with other bereaved parents since Eddie died but I am also grateful for re-connecting with old friends and friends from my childhood. They remind me of my life before Eddie and stir up good feelings of nostalgia. It had been a while since we last saw each other but it was as if we had just spoken yesterday. It was a true testament to an old friendship.
A cup of tea, some food and a good ol’ catch up was just what I needed. That, and a breath of fresh country air.