Something I have noticed recently: I am most comfortable when talking with friends about the past and our shared experiences. In fact, I seem to spend most of my time talking about the past as an attempt to re-live good times. As the future is full of so much uncertainty and the present is so painful, reminiscing about the past is where I feel most at ease.
Of course, Chris and I remain hopeful. But the past is certain. It happened. And sadly, I was a happier person way back when…
I was speaking to a friend the other day about gratitude. My immediate reaction? Chris and I don’t have a lot to be grateful for these days.
But it got me thinking. We wouldn’t be here, still standing, if it wasn’t for the unrelenting support of our close friends and family. They have been our pillars of steel at a time when our world has come crashing down. They are at the epicentre of our long and arduous journey. Still here, still with us. With those friends it’s easier to have normal every day conversations as they effortlessly intertwine with the loss of Eddie.
I was told by other baby lost friends that your address book changes after you lose a baby. Some friends drift away, unable to cope with the tragedy that has beset our lives. We get it. We know how difficult it is to know what to say or do. But, we also know how fortunate we are, to have those one of a kind friends who display acts of kindness and courage by regularly keeping in touch. They are the friends who have not forgotten about us, or our grief, despite having their own busy lives to lead.
To those friends, we are and will always be, eternally grateful.
For some reason I can’t get the song, ‘friends will be friends’ by Queen out of my head today. Totally random, I’m not even a Queen fan. But Chris is, and according to him, it was one of their worst songs.
But I think there is something quite apt about it as my mind wanders to friends who are travelling on this journey with us. Not on the same train as us, but on parallel tracks.
Grieving is a solitary process and as much as they try, our friends and family are unable to take away our excruciating pain. But the friends who are able to provide some sense of normalcy in our upside down world; the ones who are able to provide some light in our darkness and have the ability to make us laugh, even for just a moment, I thank you. The friends who just listen, or who text and call without expecting a response, who don’t give up on us, thank you all for just being there. Wholeheaterdly.
“When you’re through with life and all hope is lost,
Hold out your hand cos friends will be friends right till the end’