Walking in Queens Park with the sun shining reminds me how much I was looking forward to Spring time with Eddie. How lonely it feels to be walking without him.
Every time I walk past a mum with a buggy I think do you know that I’m a mum too even though you can’t see my baby? Do you know how lucky you are? Do you know that I have the same buggy as you but I can’t use it anymore? Do you know I know every buggy I see? I’ve researched them all. As I sat on a bench and mums passed me by with their babies I felt like I was playing some sort of guess the buggy game: i candy, bugaboo, maclaren, mamas and papas, etc…etc…
Chris went to Hampshire to visit his mum in hospital and I had far too many hours to myself on my own. It’s hard to get the balance right between doing things, to somehow distract myself away from the pain, and grieving. I can’t believe it’s a month today that we lost Eddie. Time has stood still yet kept moving and Chris says we are living in some sort of parallel world to everyone else at the moment.
Today was a particularly bad day.