It’s 10 weeks today since we lost Eddie. We’re soon going to be grieving longer than when Eddie was alive and that’s a scary thought. I hate the fact that time moves forward even though it has stood still for us. And I hate the fact that every day and week that goes past, takes me further away from my baby boy. I have said this before, I still want to do things for Eddie, to feel like I can still be a mummy to him.
So I finally got round to writing to Glenda Jackson, MP for Camden today to complain about the way Eddie’s case was handled by the coroners office. Through Eddie’s loss, I hope we can help to make some positive change so other parents won’t have to go through the same ordeal that we have.
In better news, we have planted a tree for Eddie. It’s a Royal Star Magnolia kindly bought for us from my wonderful mother-in-law and it’s perfect. It will bloom around late March- April with showy, star shaped, fragrant white flowers symbolising Eddie’s purity. It will flourish and grow stronger each year and whilst Eddie is physically no longer with us, the life of the tree will keep his memory alive…
It will be his everlasting legacy.
I have always quite fancied the idea of sitting in cafes all day long, laptop in tow, sipping on mocha crappacinos and writing a bestseller novel. I also like the idea of taking a break every once in a while to people watch and watch the world go by.
Whilst waiting for my sister, I pretend to be that person but my novel is a tragedy. A tragedy about my life. And I wonder what other people are thinking I am writing about as I tap away at my keyboard. They have absolutely no idea.
One of the things I have in abundance at the moment is time. I have never had this much free time in my life. Ever. It’s something that I always complained about not having enough of. I never thought I had enough time before we had Eddie and I certainly never had any time after we had Eddie. Never enough ‘me’ time. But now I’ve got it, I don’t want it. And what I want the most, I can’t have.
So I find myself in a state of limbo. Unable to be a mum and not mentally ready to go back to work. I have so much free time on my hands I simply don’t know what to do. It’s free time for the wrong reasons. Right now, I’m meant to be a busy mum, living my life around Eddie’s life. I should be thinking about his next feed, his next sleep, baby classes, walking and talking with other mummy friends. I should be laughing with my NCT friends about why our babies are not sleeping through the night, when are they moving on to solids and should we or shouldn’t we be following Gina Nazi Ford.
But instead I sit here, on my own, watching the world go by. And dream of what I had and what could have been.