Tag Archives: mummy

here, not there

We haven’t visited Eddie’s grave since his funeral. Visiting a cemetery implies that our darling baby boy is there, away from his mummy and daddy. It’s too hard to fathom. His shell may be there but I believe his soul and spirit is here. With me. With Chris.

Over the past 6 months I have dipped in and out of bereavement books, read and re-read beautiful poetry and prose. They have become a companion on my journey of grief.

And so today, as I think about the reasons why I choose not to visit Eddie’s grave, I refer to a poem written by Mary Frye.

Do Not Stand At My Grave And Weep

Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glint on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you wake in the morning hush,
I am the swift, uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night.
Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there, I do not sleep.
Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there, I did not die!

Mary Frye (1932)

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a lesson

There is a problem with having spare time for yourself during the week. The only other people who seem to be around are those with children. Wherever I turn, wherever I go, I am accosted by mummies and buggies. Which is no surprise as we chose to move to an area that was family friendly. We wanted to be somewhere close to a park, close to local shops and cafes, and somewhere close to mummy and baby classes where I could take Eddie.

Now when I want to go for a walk and clear my head, I am faced with an obstacle of mothers with children and I desperately try to dodge them.

I learnt an important lesson this week whilst trying to avoid the aforementioned. I must not, under any circumstances, go to brent cross mid week or mid school holidays for that matter –  it was an exercise in masochism.

Looking at the alternatives, apart from selling up and buying a flat in the city, my impending return to work has become a more attractive option…


In memory

It’s 10 weeks today since we lost Eddie. We’re soon going to be grieving longer than when Eddie was alive and that’s a scary thought. I hate the fact that time moves forward even though it has stood still for us. And I hate the fact that every day and week that goes past, takes me further away from my baby boy. I have said this before, I still want to do things for Eddie, to feel like I can still be a mummy to him.

So I finally got round to writing to Glenda Jackson, MP for Camden today to complain about the way Eddie’s case was handled by the coroners office. Through Eddie’s loss, I hope we can help to make some positive change so other parents won’t have to go through the same ordeal that we have.

In better news, we have planted a tree for Eddie. It’s a Royal Star Magnolia kindly bought for us from my wonderful mother-in-law and it’s perfect. It will bloom around late March- April with showy, star shaped, fragrant white flowers symbolising Eddie’s purity.  It will flourish and grow stronger each year and whilst Eddie is physically no longer with us, the life of the tree will keep his memory alive…

It will be his everlasting legacy.


days

I hate days that exist because of commercial opportunism.  Days that dictate how you should behave and feel because someone, somewhere, told you so. I have always hated valentines day for that reason. I hated it when I was single as it highlighted that I didn’t have a boyfriend and I hated it when I had a boyfriend as it felt fake and contrived. Why did we have to celebrate love on that particular day? It was an irritating excuse for restaurants and florists to unnecessarily hike up their prices.  Bah humbug.

And now I hate mothers day and fathers day for those reasons. Why should one day honour parents? Every day was mothers day and fathers day for us. Every day was a celebration that we were parents to our darling boy, not one isolated day in the calendar year.

Just because it’s fathers day today doesn’t make our grief any worse, it’s just another reminder that Eddie should be here. Another reminder that Chris was the best daddy in the world. Ever.


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