My grief is like a yo-yo. Up and down, down and up, not knowing how I am going to be feeling from one day to the next.
The other night I was accidentally copied in to a group email by my one of my (former) NCT friends. I didn’t spend too long looking at the contents but receiving it felt like a sucker punch to my stomach. It was a genuine mistake, and I have since received an apology, yet a horrible reminder of what my life should have been.
But like a yo-yo, I was pulled up a day later when support came in from the most unexpected of places. I received a lovely email from someone I had never met before. She wrote the kindest words of support and offered to give me the lamp she successfully bid on from the the silent auction we held a few weeks ago. It happened to be the lamp designed by Tony Chambers who I paid homage to in an earlier post. And it happened to be my favourite lamp of the collection.
It made me a very happy (and humbled) girl indeed.
I have always quite fancied the idea of sitting in cafes all day long, laptop in tow, sipping on mocha crappacinos and writing a bestseller novel. I also like the idea of taking a break every once in a while to people watch and watch the world go by.
Whilst waiting for my sister, I pretend to be that person but my novel is a tragedy. A tragedy about my life. And I wonder what other people are thinking I am writing about as I tap away at my keyboard. They have absolutely no idea.
One of the things I have in abundance at the moment is time. I have never had this much free time in my life. Ever. It’s something that I always complained about not having enough of. I never thought I had enough time before we had Eddie and I certainly never had any time after we had Eddie. Never enough ‘me’ time. But now I’ve got it, I don’t want it. And what I want the most, I can’t have.
So I find myself in a state of limbo. Unable to be a mum and not mentally ready to go back to work. I have so much free time on my hands I simply don’t know what to do. It’s free time for the wrong reasons. Right now, I’m meant to be a busy mum, living my life around Eddie’s life. I should be thinking about his next feed, his next sleep, baby classes, walking and talking with other mummy friends. I should be laughing with my NCT friends about why our babies are not sleeping through the night, when are they moving on to solids and should we or shouldn’t we be following Gina Nazi Ford.
But instead I sit here, on my own, watching the world go by. And dream of what I had and what could have been.