Something I have noticed recently: I am most comfortable when talking with friends about the past and our shared experiences. In fact, I seem to spend most of my time talking about the past as an attempt to re-live good times. As the future is full of so much uncertainty and the present is so painful, reminiscing about the past is where I feel most at ease.
Of course, Chris and I remain hopeful. But the past is certain. It happened. And sadly, I was a happier person way back when…
My mind is a troublesome place these days. Being a natural worrier, it used to be filled with apprehension and excitement for the future. Now it’s filled with doubt and uncertainty.
As the days roll on, I keep repeating the same question to myself and Chris. Will we ever be happy again? It seems like a futile question to ask. I know happiness is not an object and cannot be obtained. It is not something we can pursue or search for.
Maybe if I knew there was an end to this constant state of purgatory it would make life a bit more bearable. Yet sadly, there is no magic ball telling us what the future may hold.
As much as I want to, I can’t go back to my old life or predict what my new life will bring. I can’t re-wind the past or fast forward to the future.
What I do have is the here and now. This moment. And all I can do, is breathe.