Tag Archives: tears

You (by me)

I gave birth to you
In my arms, I held you
I fed you
I nurtured you
I cherished you
I loved you
I was meant to protect you
But life had other plans for you
I miss you
I pine for you
I cry so many tears for you
My heart is broken because of you
I am half alive without you

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Firsts are the worst

This is the year of firsts. The first time we have to do something is inevitably the most difficult and each situation we find ourselves in brings its own unique triggers. The first time I go somewhere or do something that I used to do with Eddie hits me hard. Going to the park, a local cafe, or a friends house reminds me that Eddie’s not here and I’m not meant to be there without him.

Going out for dinner for the first time with friends throws up different emotions. Trying to have somewhat normal conversations and not allowing my mind to drift to Eddie is a toilsome chore. Sitting at a dinner table, speaking about things that I have absolutely no interest in, putting on a brave face and forcing a smile. Having to suffer my grief in silence. Bumping into people we know, meeting people we don’t know. Dealing with the awkward silences when I tell someone what has happened; I know it’s just as difficult for them as it is for me. And I have to brace myself that however strong I want to be, sometimes the tears just flow when you don’t want them to. Or when its least expected.

Silly as it sounds, the first time doing anything that resembles something normal, just serves to remind me that I am trying so hard to adapt to this new life we have been catapulted into. The day to day events we took for granted, that required no effort, have become a daily struggle. And it’s exhausting.

 

 


My new normal

My new normal is sleeping through the night uninterrupted by feeds and cries

My new normal is not bothering to wear mascara anymore so my tears don’t smudge my eyes

My new normal is not filling up the diary with social arrangements months in advance

My new normal has no control over luck, fate and chance

My new normal is filled with uncertainty and dread

My new normal is the time of day I most look forward to is going back to bed

My new normal is not feeling connected with friends, however hard they try

My new normal is connecting with other bereaved parents as they understand why

My new normal is being out but feeling like I have left something behind

My new normal is without Eddie, but he will always be in my heart and my mind


Coming home

Leaving Portugal yesterday was difficult. Not that it was an easy time away but we were in a bubble, it was just the four of us, and we didn’t have to speak to or see anyone else.  It was a form of escapism even though we were still trapped in grief.

The plane journey on the way home was particularly difficult. Hearing a baby crying incessantly only served to remind us of our desperate longing for Eddie. I think the air hostess genuinely thought we were just upset to be coming home after our holiday when she asked us if there was anything she could do to help! Little did she know.

It’s good to be home as we have work to do. This morning I met with a friend who has kindly offered to help us with Teddys Wish. The charity is still in its early stages but has given me something positive to focus on. Those moments help me feel like I am doing something for Eddie; I can still be his mummy even though he’s not here.

This afternoon I met a friend who has gone through the same tragic loss as we have but under different circumstances.  I don’t know if it’s fate, luck or coincidence that she lives only a few doors down from us but I’m grateful to have her in my life.  Not only has she gone on to have 2 more children but she understands exactly what I’m going through.  It shows me that she has survived, and with that survival, has found happiness again. I always leave feeling inspired. And even though it may not last long, it’s a moment of light.

 

 

 

 


Plans

Life wasn’t meant to be like this. We had everything perfectly planned from the moment we found out I was pregnant. We planned the house move, the family car, the car seat, the buggy, the nursery, the family holiday, and so on and so on. In fact, even before I was pregnant I was constantly making plans.

But life hasn’t worked out as we had planned. Life is terribly unfair.

We are now embarking on a new life, a new life without our darling baby boy. I’m not sure what this new life looks like but I’m certainly not making any grand plans. One thing’s for sure, I’m not the same person anymore. I’m sceptical of life, untrusting of what it may bring.  I’m utterly heart broken. And I want my baby back.

But Eddie isn’t coming back. However hard I cry, however hard I pray, I have to accept that Eddie isn’t coming back in this life time. I have to accept that I will never know why his life was cut so short even if we are given a medical answer.

From the bottom of my heart, I want to believe that Eddie’s still with me; his soul is with me even if I can’t see him in the physical sense. I want to believe that he’s in heaven, that someone is looking after him, maybe he’s looking after me. And more importantly, I want to believe that one day, we’ll be together again.


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