I am back at work. Back in an environment where I can temporarily remove myself from my grief and switch in to work mode. Like an actor, I know my script well and I can perform. My mask is firmly on and has little space for manoeuvre.
I am working part-time for my sister’s company and I feel fortunate to be in an emotionally comfortable environment. But the biggest upside is being surrounded by adults. No kids. No babies. No danger of me bumping into buggies. It’s actually quite refreshing.
The rest of my time will be dedicated to our charity, Teddy’s Wish. The charity is where Chris and I feel most in balance as it allows us to move forward and grieve at the same time.
But there is still a long journey ahead of us, as we tentatively take each day at a time. Slowly we put one foot in front of the other. And at the forefront of our mind, is our darling baby boy. With us every step of the way.
I made a big decision this week. I handed in my notice to work. They have been incredibly supportive to me since Eddie died but after deliberating for months on whether I should go back or not, I finally made a decision. I couldn’t go back.
When I walked, or waddled to be precise, out of the doors before starting my maternity leave, my life was full of so much hope. Everyone wished me luck with the birth and I promised to bring Eddie into the office after he was born. I was so excited to introduce my beautiful baby boy to my work colleagues but sadly they never got to meet him.
When something as life changing as this happens to you, some people need certainty and stability. I would normally have fallen into that camp, being so fearful of change. Now, I feel the need to change everything in my life.
Going back to work would have felt like nothing has changed at all. But everything has. Especially me.
There is a problem with having spare time for yourself during the week. The only other people who seem to be around are those with children. Wherever I turn, wherever I go, I am accosted by mummies and buggies. Which is no surprise as we chose to move to an area that was family friendly. We wanted to be somewhere close to a park, close to local shops and cafes, and somewhere close to mummy and baby classes where I could take Eddie.
Now when I want to go for a walk and clear my head, I am faced with an obstacle of mothers with children and I desperately try to dodge them.
I learnt an important lesson this week whilst trying to avoid the aforementioned. I must not, under any circumstances, go to brent cross mid week or mid school holidays for that matter – it was an exercise in masochism.
Looking at the alternatives, apart from selling up and buying a flat in the city, my impending return to work has become a more attractive option…