Plans

Life wasn’t meant to be like this. We had everything perfectly planned from the moment we found out I was pregnant. We planned the house move, the family car, the car seat, the buggy, the nursery, the family holiday, and so on and so on. In fact, even before I was pregnant I was constantly making plans.

But life hasn’t worked out as we had planned. Life is terribly unfair.

We are now embarking on a new life, a new life without our darling baby boy. I’m not sure what this new life looks like but I’m certainly not making any grand plans. One thing’s for sure, I’m not the same person anymore. I’m sceptical of life, untrusting of what it may bring.  I’m utterly heart broken. And I want my baby back.

But Eddie isn’t coming back. However hard I cry, however hard I pray, I have to accept that Eddie isn’t coming back in this life time. I have to accept that I will never know why his life was cut so short even if we are given a medical answer.

From the bottom of my heart, I want to believe that Eddie’s still with me; his soul is with me even if I can’t see him in the physical sense. I want to believe that he’s in heaven, that someone is looking after him, maybe he’s looking after me. And more importantly, I want to believe that one day, we’ll be together again.

No spring in my step

Walking in Queens Park with the sun shining reminds me how much I was looking forward to Spring time with Eddie. How lonely it feels to be walking without him.

Every time I walk past a mum with a buggy I think do you know that I’m a mum too even though you can’t see my baby? Do you know how lucky you are? Do you know that I have the same buggy as you but I can’t use it anymore? Do you know I know every buggy I see? I’ve researched them all. As I sat on a bench and mums passed me by with their babies I felt like I was playing some sort of guess the buggy game: i candy, bugaboo, maclaren, mamas and papas, etc…etc…

 

Chris went to Hampshire to visit his mum in hospital and I had far too many hours to myself on my own. It’s hard to get the balance right between doing things, to somehow distract myself away from the pain, and grieving.  I can’t believe it’s a month today that we lost Eddie. Time has stood still yet kept moving and Chris says we are living in some sort of parallel world to everyone else at the moment.

Today was a particularly bad day.