Leaving Portugal yesterday was difficult. Not that it was an easy time away but we were in a bubble, it was just the four of us, and we didn’t have to speak to or see anyone else. It was a form of escapism even though we were still trapped in grief.
The plane journey on the way home was particularly difficult. Hearing a baby crying incessantly only served to remind us of our desperate longing for Eddie. I think the air hostess genuinely thought we were just upset to be coming home after our holiday when she asked us if there was anything she could do to help! Little did she know.
It’s good to be home as we have work to do. This morning I met with a friend who has kindly offered to help us with Teddys Wish. The charity is still in its early stages but has given me something positive to focus on. Those moments help me feel like I am doing something for Eddie; I can still be his mummy even though he’s not here.
This afternoon I met a friend who has gone through the same tragic loss as we have but under different circumstances. I don’t know if it’s fate, luck or coincidence that she lives only a few doors down from us but I’m grateful to have her in my life. Not only has she gone on to have 2 more children but she understands exactly what I’m going through. It shows me that she has survived, and with that survival, has found happiness again. I always leave feeling inspired. And even though it may not last long, it’s a moment of light.
It’s been a tough week away, which is such a shame as we really are in the most beautiful, idyllic setting. We used to go away on holiday, to get away from it all, to have a break. But the trouble with grief is that it travels with you, wherever you go. You can’t escape it. And to be honest, I don’t want to. I don’t want to ever stop thinking about Eddie.
I’ve been looking at photos of Eddie every day. Sometimes on my own, sometimes with Chris. I have never truly appreciated the importance of photos until now. Of course, there are memories which are locked away in a safe place in my mind but photos keep other memories alive. They invoke emotions and remind you of moments.
I love these photos of Eddie. It was our last weekend together as a family and we had been at Regents Park that afternoon. We just finished bath time and Chris and I were getting him ready for his bed time feed. He was making silly faces at us and I was giggling as Chris took photos. We were so happy. Blissfully unaware that would be our last weekend together.
Photos can also prompt other memories. Looking at these photos reminds me of the conversations I used to have with Eddie in the morning. “What is mummy going to dress you in today bubba?” or “What has Daddy dressed you in this morning? Silly Daddy.” Eddie would just kick his legs and gurgle at me. I used to tell him that when he was old enough he could choose his own clothes but for now, he would have to make do with his mummy’s taste in fashion.